I feel so attached and in love with a dead celebrity. My love for anyone else is overshadowed by my love for him. What does this mean?

I love him so much it's crippling. It's intensely lonely and I only see him in my dream. Occasionally I can hear him answer my inner dialogue with his own. But thats all. He's gone. He's dead. I was supposed to walk into that bar with Chris and meet him. He wasnt supposed to be gone. I think of him all day and I hope and I pray to a god I don't believe in that those are the arms I'll run into when I leave this place. All this incredible people that left us to soon had a person. And we are fucking cursed. We will live here in some variety of misery because our other piece isn't here anymore. Who would have kept Cobain clean? Who would have been hendrix’s muse? Who would have calmed Morrison's ego? I don't know. But I do know they're just as alone as me. We’re left behind.

My actual dream came true that night. I read his cards. Green box and all. I started leaving and as I was about to leave the door is said outloud “I don't want to leave you. I want to stay with you”. I felt like there was a rope getting tighter the further I got. When we started driving back home I felt like a piece of me was missing. Like I was leaving it behind. My friend told me they always believed me but it seemed so massive and crazy but now that they had seen it they wouldn't ever be the same. I just stared out the window and the skyline got smaller until it was gone.

After I gave birth my spouse came back while the babies were in the NICU for the next month. I lived there with them because it was the best children's hospital in the country with lots of room for parents. It was the hardest time in my life. Watching my daughters fail to grow and my spouse would come, and then leave for days without contacting me. I still had to be the one taking care of them and the nurses barely helped at all. I was completely broken and exhausted and my only comfort was him. I started getting dreams every night about him. Nothing too intimate mainly sitting on a couch together getting opinions back and forth about lyrics and melodies we were writing. One time it extended to getting tired and he carried me to a bed and played next to me and sang.

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Which is creating. Creativity. Innovation. I took that to mean how he's giving people music even now. That even presently he can't stop making music

I listen to all his records religiously and fall asleep laying my hand against my phone like it's his face. This was where I started telling people and people started calling him my dead boyfriend. It was silly but at this point I was positive that if I wasn't insane my love was reciprocated. It's worth mentioning I'm not the only one that dreams of him and has weird things happening. There's a very famous artist with an entire album about the dreams they've had about him. And if you go to his reddit there's a post a week about really intense dreams. One person who has never picked up a guitar he taught how to play one of his songs and when he woke up he grabbed his roommates guitar and could remember how to play it. So this is a common thing. I haven't read anything else about love but at the bare minimum he connects with other people. I like to think it's because he wasn't done making music and does what he can to continue.

Past was four of swords inverse

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So I do. It's the only thing that gives me any kind of comfort.

I was going through an extremely dangerous twin pregnancy in 2023. My spouse had deserted me because they didn't want me keeping the babies and my toddler and I were staying with my mother. I slept on an air mattress in front of her TV in the living room and my daughter slept in a play yard next to me. My mother took a few months off of work to care take for me. I was on bestest and needed injections twice a day, I have a very rare pregnancy disease. So all I really did was watch the TV. And one night a random live video of a musician is never heard of came one. And every note he played and word he sang took me away. It felt like that 45 minute video was only 5. But I was completely taken back. I had never heard anything so beautiful. I'm a musician myself so maybe that played into it. I immediately grabbed my phone to find out if he would be in town anytime soon. And there was nothing. Because he died when I was four years old. Horribly.

Future was devil inverse.

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But I am stomach aching, earth shattering, bawl my eyes out at 4am in love with a dead celebrity. I say that and I know he'd hate it. He hated fame. So all my friends that know just call him my dead boyfriend.

Essentially about trying to help someone through trauma and hard times. Be someone's guide someone light.

I was sitting there crying and my friend came up and tapped on the last card. The one that had stuck to the table. They looked at me and said I think this one's for you. So I flipped it. And it was for me

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In previous dreams he would tell me small details about him that I would wake up in the morning,lookup, and find them to be factual details about his life. Nothing extremely specific. But this time I woke up in the morning and looked up his name and that word he told me. And found a song about him helping a girl leave her abusive boyfriend. A story about packing up a girl's apartment and driving her away. And I sat there and sobbed and sobbed. That was when I really started to understand that this connection was going both ways.

I'm writing a book about it. Not exactly but if he was tangibly here to some degree. It's the only thing that provides me solace. Sometimes my life gets extra bad and I watch his live performances and ask what I'm supposed to do it's too painful and I can hear him in my head say “write about us”.

Last month my best friend asked me if I wanted to go to the town he lived in and played most in for an open mic. I told them I'd love to as long as we can go to some of his spots. Like his old house a very famous musician bought. They agreed gladly and we went. After the open mic they drove me to the house. I didn't intend to cry but they poured out of me as I stood on the side walk looking at his porch. I opened my eyes from crying and saw him sitting on a step smoking a cigarette. I saw him flick it into a puddle between us. I heard the flame extinguish. This is another reason I think I'm fucking insane.

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I'll go back soon. With my id this time. And I'll sit next to his chair. Drink something from one of his songs and leave one for him

I would post about him a lot. Just videos and pictures I liked and my good friend messaged me a few days after the dream and told me they were best friends in the nineties. It's important to add my home bar is a very alternative bar that's mostly inhabited by people 40+ so that's the demographic of my friend group. I'll go ahead and just call him his name because it's vague enough. It's Chris. So we live in the same general region he did. (The next state but we’re all kind of considered the same region) so at this point I'm having a borderline heart attack to my find out someone I care for deeply knew him, and even considered him their closest friend. Chris told me he did work on his memorial movie and one of his videos. I felt so much joy. Like pure light, and I asked him to grab drinks with me that night.

My heart shattered and I didn't understand and the last few months of my pregnancy were consumed by doctors visits, needles, and everything in between was learning as much as I possibly could about him. I loved him so much. I didn't realize yet that's what it was but I was falling in love with him. I was married, and I've been in long relationships but I had never felt that kind of connection before in my life.

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A feeling of being trapped and wanting freedom

Which means recovery. (He had just gotten sober from years and years of heroin addiction before he died)

I'm crying reading these responses. That other people feel what I do. I've convinced myself that I'm just so lonely I'm going through some form of psychosis.

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We spent the night playing his songs on the jukebox, and Chris kept toasting to the seat next to me. Saying things like “ain't that right, E”. And I was a little drunk and mesmerized at everything he told me. How when this celebrity would get too high at a show he's always crash on Chris's couch afterwards. Or how they were on the same bowling team at one point, or the ridiculous amount of ice cream he's buy. I don't know if I've ever been as happy as I was that night. We were at a very cold bar with metal chairs and when I left I felt the empty one next to me and it was so warm. The one Chris had been cheering at all night.

Ten of swords.

Tarot reading pays my bills I've been doing it since I was a teenager, so if I'm not completely insane then maybe this is happening because I work with divination every day. And it's not that I don't believe in it. I just see it as guidance. Not so much paranormal.

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One night my spouse came back and was treating me terribly for no reason. Really. All I said was I wish you would call when you're gone, and that set them off. Somehow found it okay to yell at me in our hospital room. I sat on the bed on the other side of the room and cried. When I could see my spouse was asleep I looked at my bone thin children and my spouse snoring on the other end of the room and got stuck in a loop thinking about how much I wanted to die. I've always wanted to die but sometimes like then it gets incredibly overwhelming. And then I started thinking about my dreams. Not intentionally they just kind of popped into my head and I don't know why but I said aloud “if you're around can I please have some kind of sign because I can not do this anymore”. And the lights on my room flickered. Not like went off and on the lights just kind of changed for a second. A nurse came in and told me not to be worried the backup generator kicks in a lot on our floor and the one above us. They'd been having electrical work don't for a few months. I tried to wave it off and passed out.

He was a musician, and in my opinion love aside, the greatest musician of all time. He wasn't terribly popular, but he was a pioneer of his genre. He was breath takingly good.

Once I got home with the kids my life spiralled so quickly. My spouse started being physically violent almost daily. I wasn't even healed from my c section. But my spouse had broken my thumb, thrown me at walls, punched me, kicked me, thrown things at my face and I laid in bed and sobbed and borderline hyperventilated. I watched that same live video I discovered him with and passed out. While I slept I dreamed of him holding me. And then he whispered a word in my ear.

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My screen name on everything is from one of his songs and this year on my birthday one of his best friends ex husband pulled a book off his shelf and found an old piece of paper with the original lyrics to that song. Even the chords on a guitar drawn out on the back. The man who posted them said he hasn't looked in that book since the 90s and he just felt like grabbing it that day. The lyrics were completely different to what was released. My mom told me it must have been a birthday present. I hope it was.

That night was the first of the recurring dreams I still have every week. I go to the bar. Stand outside and have a smoke. Chris sees me, bums one. And tells me his friend came out tonight and he wants me to meet him. He's a musician like me and we play similarly and he thinks we'd really like each other. He's sitting in a stool at the bar, and he's him. But he aged. He's in his fifties and he's weathered but he's him. And I go up and sit next to him, and we start talking about everything in the world. And it flows so smoothly. And I ask him if he's had his cards read. He tells me he has but asks if I'll read his. and I pull a green deck of cards out of my purse and start his read. That's where I always wake up.

Afterwards my friend wanted food and I suggested his favorite bar. We went and I quicky realized I had forgotten my id back home. Thankfully it was a bar and restaurant that was sectioned off from each other. I asked the waitress if they had any memorabilia and she didn't know. I asked if I could look and she told me they were really strict about the drinking area. So I was pretty bummed. It was really late and no one else was there. So we sat and ate and my friend told the waitress a bunch of this. About my tarot dream and everything. And she reached into her purse and pulled out a green deck of tarot cards and told me she bought them that day and doesn't read and asked me to read her cards I got really teary eyed and agreed. We went outside so she could smoke and sat at a picniç table. I read them. She thanked me. Told me it was accurate and said I was supposed to come tonight she just had a feeling. So we go back inside and she leads me to the doorway in between the restaurant and bar and point to a stool. She said that was his chair and my heart completely took off. I started crying again and smiling and thanking her. She told me the bartend told her to say that he was a really nice guy. Really quiet and always tipped good. She put her hand on my shoulder and put the cards back in my hand and told me to read his cards. At this point my friend is completely freaking out and going DUDE DUDE DUDE YOUR DREAM HOLY FUCK READ HIS CARDS. And I'm crying and agree I should. So I do. One falls sticks to the table as I'm cutting the deck and when that happens in tarot or a card falls out you're supposed to put it to the side and read it last. So I lay out his spread. I choke out ____ I came to you this time. I'm going to read your cards now. The reading was so incredibly spot on.

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I love you. With every piece of me. Please come to me in my sleep tonight.

Present was page of swords

So everything stays like that for a while. Recurring dreams. Drinks with Chris where he tells me stories. And getting the daylights beaten out of me at home.

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